Intent is Everything

bidyke:

Re: monosexism and biphobia. Do you use these words interchangeably? I notice more and more people are treating the two as synonymous and it doesn’t really sit right with me.

bisexualmind

Personally, I don’t.

But before I answer, I have to clarify something first, because a lot of people seem to think I invented the word “monosexism”: So, while this is incredibly flattering, the fact is I didn’t. This word has been in use in bisexual movements from the 1990s or even earlier. I’m willing to take credit for popularizing it on tumblr, though :p

Now to my answer:

I see biphobia as a particular aspect of monosexism, they are definitely not interchangeable. Monosexism, as I see it, refers to the structural privileging of monosexual identities and behaviours. So, monosexism refers, for example, to the belief that one can only be either straight or gay, that it is better to be monosexual than bisexual*, that only monosexual identities are “real”, that monosexual issues are the only ones deserving of attention, etc. Monosexism causes bisexual erasure (from media, literature, art, TV and film, etc.), it causes discrimination when it comes to activist priorities, budgeting, etc. It causes the social isolation that leads many bis* to have poor health and mental health, and prevents proper treatment and support that might help alleviate them. It keeps bi* people “low” on the “pecking order” and creates all sorts of oppression. I see monosexism as the main factor responsible for all the horrible statistics in the Bisexual Invisibility report, for example. So, basically, monosexism is the system, the base structure. It is everything which isn’t directly aimed at bi* people but nonetheless has the effect of eradicating our existence or legitimacy.

I also have to say that monosexism is a structure that first and foremost comes from heterosexism and the patriarchy - 99.99999999% of it comes from heterosexual culture. So for me, monosexism is a term that allows us to look at all the ways that the “broader” culture creates oppression against bisexuals*. In addition, it allows us to consider monosexism as a structure that affects everyone instead of just bi* people - for example, by limiting other people’s options.

Biphobia, on the other hand, is direct negative attitudes and treatment of bi* people. It’s one specific result of monosexism. So here we can think about the many negative attitudes and behaviours specifically aimed against bis*. For example, when people refuse to date bisexuals*, when bis* are represented in stereotypical ways in the media, when bi* women become the target of sexual violence (because they’re perceived as particularly sexy sexual objects), when bi* people are discriminated at their jobs because of their bisexuality (for example, because they’re perceived as unreliable, flaky, unable to handle responsibility or commit to their job), and, yes - when bi* people are treated badly by L, G, and T communities.

I think it’s important to make that distinction, because these are two completely different levels of oppression working against bisexuals* - and of course, I think that the room that biphobia occupies right now in bi* political dialogues is unproportionate, and that we need to pay lots more attention to structural, heterosexual, monosexism.

[For a teeny bit more on that, here’s the snippet from my book where I define the two terms]

And I’m just gonna go ahead and make this rebloggable, because I think people might find that helpful :)

bisexual-community:

“If you say you’re gay, very few people say, ‘Well, what do you mean?’ Bisexuals have to come out every time they walk into a room … I get it from both communities. We like to joke that’s the one thing straights and gays agree on: They don’t understand bisexuals” …

… . When the bigotry comes from the straight community, it’s hurtful. But when it comes from the gay community, it’s worse—because they should understand. This is the experience of the gay community—having the straight community tell them they’re wrong, they don’t exist. For me, it feels like personal betrayal. I feel like ‘I was there with you, in the beginning,’ and then I hear ‘What has bisexuality done for the movement?’ That just floors me. The history has been rewritten.” ~Denise Ingram

Ingram, 41, grew up in Jamaica—where being anything other than straight is punishable with jail time but is more often handled by mob violence—and she spent the ’80s and ’90s advocating for gay rights in New York City, where she identified as a lesbian before coming out as bisexual. Ingram met her husband of three years, James Klawitter, at a meeting of BiUnity, a Philly-based bisexual support network.

She feels connected to the LGBT community—entitled to the connection even—and she remembers the times when no one in the movement was accepted by the mainstream, when no one thought to check her gay credentials …

Linda A. Hawkins is a counselor and research coordinator at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, where she works with LGBT youth. She previously worked as a counselor at the Attic Youth Center and sees some gold at the end of this rainbow. But even in her field, she says, there were sometimes issues among colleagues when she disclosed her bisexuality (she’s in a long-term committed relationship with a woman—who, yes, also initially had some reservations about dating someone who’s bisexual).

But what Hawkins—and nearly every other person interviewed for this article—has found is that the kids, or at least the younger generation, seem to have a lot fewer hang-ups about being bi, gay, gender non-conforming or whatever. “I see more acceptance from youth,” she says. “I’ve worked with young people for the last 15 years in Philadelphia, and I can tell that the flexibility around gender and sexuality has expanded. And that leads to kids being more accepting of themselves, of others and of bisexuality.”

bisexual-community:

tehriz:

the last things I will say in this particular debate.

From A.J. Walkley’s really awesome article:

Then there is the thought that the binary view of bisexuality can be seen as phobic of anyone who identifies as genderqueer, or somewhere along the gender and sexuality spectrum, not identifying as male or female, man or woman. But, as I mentioned before, the true definition of “bisexual” is being attracted to those who are the same as me and those who are different from me, encompassing all genders and identities. The often-repeated argument that “bi means two” ignores a simple fact: “Same” and “different” are, indeed, two groups.

I would like to quote the whole article because it’s really good and also quotes Julia Serano [Ed Note a really well know Trans* Bisexual Activist btw] again which is cool but this part seemed the most relevant to the discussion from a few days ago. I don’t agree with the point that pansexuality only comes with a rejection of bisexuality, because they’re different things and different orientations, but mostly yes this is how I feel.

From the Bisexual Manifesto (written in 1990),

Bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity. Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.

and now I’m done.

Well said *applause*

bisexualmind:

Why aren’t the attractions and labels of monosexuals scrutinized to the degree those of bisexuals are? I have never seen it. Have you? I don’t see the same kind of hand-wringing about monosexuals dating nonbinary people and whether or not they must switch to identifying as pansexual as there is about bisexuals.

We’ve all heard this one before: “Saying you’re bisexual but attracted to nonbinary people is saying those people are really men or women because bisexuality means you only like the binary! Binarist douchefuck!” Even when we say that, yes, we are well aware there are more than two genders and we know that nonbinary people are not binary but we still prefer to identify as bisexual for whatever various reasons we may have, it doesn’t matter because BINARIST DOUCHEFUCK I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA

Some claim we are never attracted to nonbinary/trans people. Two common attitudes that come from this are: we are either willfully and deliberately bigoted by identifying as bisexual rather than something else, or it’s a more pitiable “well you can’t choose your attractions, so they can’t help if they aren’t attracted to nonbinary people, poor things.”

Either way, we are made into lesser beings, and the dialogue has been framed so that the only way to escape is to abandon bisexuality as an identity altogether.

It doesn’t matter one bit that all of these things are lies, that many bisexual people are attracted to and identify as trans/nonbinary and that we say so repeatedly. We are inconvenient to their biphobia and so are dismissed as an insignificant minority, if not outright ignored.

Because biphobia is what it’s about. If it really were about fighting binarism or supporting trans/nonbinary people, bisexuals wouldn’t be singled out because everyone has said something at some point that reinforces the gender binary, nor would the existence of trans/nonbinary bisexuals be completely disregarded. 

In the time I’ve been on Tumblr, I’ve noticed something about “social justice” activism here: rather than learning to examine and root out their prejudices, some people have learned only how to better cloak them in activist language. They know they can’t say “Bisexuals are cheaters/will leave you for cock” without looking like an obviously biphobic asshole, but they can say “Bisexuals are more concerned with genitals than other orientations.” They can’t say “Bisexuals care only about sex and not about activism” but they can say “Identifying as bisexual is evidence one is ignorant about social justice issues.” Others just nod and accept it because it reinforces their preconceived notions in a way that isn’t so obviously biased and inflammatory.

These are often people who also give lip service to the idea that we are all living in a society steeped in prejudice that we can never fully escape no matter how much we try and that our thoughts and actions towards others will always be colored by those prejudices, yet they insist they are not at all biphobic but simply explaining bisexuality in a completely objective, rational way.

Yeah, sorry, I don’t think they are somehow magically exempt from the biphobia that pervades society. Maybe if more people actually practiced what they preach and tried to confront their prejudices particularly against bisexuals we wouldn’t have to keep having this stupid argument all the time.

bialogue-group:

bisexcellent:

When I was questioning my sexual orientation, I sometimes got a message from my environment that everybody is curious sometimes. At the time, I interpreted this as a pleasant, ‘accepting’ message. It treated things as not a big deal; nothing to worry about. That was good, I thought.

But it set me back.

It set me back on my journey to realise that I wasn’t straight. It told me that my homosexual interests were negligible. It erases sparks that could result in key realisations, as aberrations from my otherwise hetero sexuality. When I discussed this on twitter, a person responded that she was set back 32 years by this and others experienced this to differing degrees as well. It is harmful, when somebody would benefit from coming out to themselves.

It’s also related to the untrue ‘everybody is bisexual’ stereotype, which erases the experiences of others and can degrade bisexuals (sometimes in spite of the intentions of people who say it, to show they are accepting).

This is exactly what happened to me. At 13, after my first sexual experience with a girl, I had read that same sex attraction at this age was often just a phase. It took me until I was in my twenties to actually realise that I wasn’t just interested in guys, and that that was a legitimate attraction.

candiedbinicorn:

The ideas in this pamphlet were generated during a discussion at a UC Davis Bi Visibility Project group meeting and were compiled Winter quarter, 2009.

Nonmonosexual / bisexual individuals self-identify in a variety of different ways – please keep in mind that though this pamphlet gives suggestions about how to be a good ally, one of the most important aspects of being an ally is respecting individual’s decisions about self-identification. There are hundreds of ways to be a good ally – Please use these suggestions as a starting point, and seek additional resources!

In this pamphlet the terms “bisexual” and “nonmonosexual” will be used interchangeably to describe individuals who identify with nonmonosexual orientations (attracted to more than one gender), encompassing pan-, omni-, ambi-, bi-, and nonmonosexual identities. Respect personal choices about self-identification and use specific terms on an individual basis.

Monosexism: A belief that monosexuality (either exclusive heterosexuality and/or being lesbian or gay) is superior to a bisexual or pansexual orientation.

Try...

• Acknowledging that a person who is bisexual is always bisexual regardless of their current or past partner(s) or sexual experience(s).
• Using the terms “monosexual” and “monosexism.” Educating yourself through articles, books, websites or other resources if you have questions.
• Questioning the negativity associated with bisexual stereotypes. Example: The stereotype that “all bi people are oversexed.” This reinforces societal assumptions about the nature of “good” or “appropriate” sexual practice or identity. Acknowledge the different ways women, people of color, disabled people, queer people and all intersections thereof, are eroticized or criticized for being sexual.
• Checking in with someone about what term(s) they prefer – different people prefer different terms for different reasons, respect each term.
• Being inclusive of bi people of color (BiPOC). This means not assuming that all bi people are white and acknowledging that racism exists within the bi community. BiPOC are often further invisibilized by the assumption that they do not exist.
• Recognizing that coming out can be different for people who are nonmonosexual than it is for lesbian/gay people. Because nonmonosexuality is invisibilized/ delegitimized, nonmonosexual people usually have to come out over and over. Often, after we come out, we also have to convince someone that we are nonmonosexual, and not “confused.”
• Recognizing that sometimes it’s appropriate to group people who are nonmonosexual with people who are lesbian and gay, and sometimes it’s not. Example: Healthcare & economic studies on LGB people that separated bisexual from lesbian/gay have found that there are significant disparities.
• Remembering that no one person represents a community; no two people are the same.
• Recognizing that privilege is complicated. Bisexuals don’t have straight privilege because we are not straight. Some will never have a “heterosexual looking” relationship. However, many have “passing” privilege in different forms. This might be gender conforming privilege, which people of any sexuality can have. This might also mean being assumed to be straight when with a partner of a different gender. (Note: This often does not feel like privilege but rather an erasure of bi identity). Acknowledgement of one’s own privilege (whichever forms it takes) is always important.

• Taking a minute before asking questions and looking into the assumptions behind them

• Recognizing the way that specific relationships function is entirely independent of sexual orientation. Be positive about all relationships –monogamous, polyamorous, or anything else.
• Remembering that when a person who is bi says something biphobic it takes on a different meaning than when said by someone who does not identify as bi. Witnessing biphobia in any form does not give permission to be further biphobic. Biphobia is harmful to bi people in any form.
• Remembering that no one individual is more or less nonmonosexual; no one is “truly” or “untruly” nonmonosexual; someone is nonmonosexual if they say they are.
• Remembering that just because a person who is nonmonosexual reinforces a nonmonosexual stereotype does not mean the stereotype is true.
• Accepting you might never fully understand someone else’s sexuality, and that it’s okay not to.

Don’t assume…

… You can only be a bi ally I you know people who are bi - Going to events, talking in gender-neutral terms, or being inclusive of bi sexualities speaks volumes to people of any sexual orientation.

… All people who are nonmonosexual are sexual or have had “all” kinds of sex. Not all have had experiences with different genders; no one person will necessarily have had experiences of any specific kind.

… All people who are nonmonosexual are gender conforming. Gender and sexuality are separate and do not depend on each other.

…Someone’s sexual orientation is based on the gender of their partner(s).

… All people who are bi are heteronormative or homonormative.

… How a person who is nonmonosexual defines “virginity.”

… All people who are nonmonosexual do/do not prefer one gender over others. Neither of these is more or less nonmonosexual.

… That people who are bisexual are attracted to everyone. Everyone has different criteria by which they judge whether or not someone is compatible.

… What kinds of sex people are having or how they relate to different kinds of sex. These assumptions might be based on perceptions of gender roles, or assumptions of what someone’s genitalia looks like and how it functions.

Be Careful Not To…

… Attempt to quantify “how bisexual” someone “really” is. This is related to the stereotype that people who are bi are lying or confused and sometimes satisfies a craving to categorize bi people as either “more gay” or “more straight”. People often try to do this by asking someone about their romantic or sexual behaviors. People deserve to have their privacy while having their identities respected.

… Use “Gay” as an umbrella term. Doing so invisibilizes nonmonosexuality. Example: Saying things like, “gay rights”, “gay marriage”, or “gay sex”, implies that bi people are only included when “acting gay”, i.e. when they are engaged in same- sex relationships/sexual activity. Instead, use the terms “same-gender relationship”/“other-gender relationship” instead of “gay relationship”/“straight relationship”. Relationships don’t have sexual orientations.

… Seem infatuated, fascinated or exoticizing of nonmonosexuality.

… Invisibilize bisexuality. Example: “All people are bisexual.” This dismisses people’s identities as if they are a negligible part of “human nature”.

… Ask invasive questions, or interrogate people about their sexuality. This may make the person feel like a scientific study and contribute to a sense of invalidation or isolation.

… Suggest that people who identify as bisexual inherently uphold a gender binary of woman/man. Different people think differently about their identities. Many people identify as bisexual as an act of reclaiming the word from its negative contexts. Many describe being bisexual to mean “attraction regardless of gender”, or “attraction to any gender”. Identifying with the word bisexual can also serve to connect with history and literature.

<3 Feisty Bis

Really good stuff.

bisexualftw:

From 2009. An article about biphobia by an ally.

via ateenheart

Good article.